Monday, October 6, 2014

What Blake should’ve said


What Blake should’ve said

Wow what a mess I find myself in.  I guess the first thing I need to do is take responsibility for my part.  I chose to be the bachelor contestant for The Bachelor Australia TV series.  On reflection I didn’t give it a lot of critical thought, and didn’t allow myself to think about the negative consequences of what I was getting myself into.  I tended to idealise all the positives about the show and the opportunity it afforded me.  So thats my first stuff up.  I uncritically idealised what I was getting myself into.

Secondly, I don’t think I really understood enough about myself and my personality and how that would be affected by the show, and how I would react to things.  Again I think I over-estimated my abilities to handle the situation, and under-estimated the negative impacts of the show on me and my behaviour and how that affected people’s emotions.

Once in the show, I didn’t understand how the subtle pressures of the show, the producers, the tv cameras,  would lead me to behave in ways that would hurt people.  I don’t think I handled the emotional side of things very well.  I felt overwhelmed emotionally at times, I think I may have tried to make too many people happy, and make the show work in the way the producers wanted it to work, which led me to mis-handle situations.  I think at times the show fed an unhealthy side of my ego, and I wasn’t fully aware of that.  Embarrassingly this fed my narcissism at times, and I didn’t have enough maturity to deal with that in a more healthy way.

Personally, I allowed myself to project my love onto too many individuals, rather than be more selective, conservative and reserved, which would have been the wiser thing to do in hindsight, though probably too boring for the show.  I probably wasn’t honest enough with the contestants at times because I had cameras on me, and on them, and I didn’t want them to feel hurt, humiliated or rejected on national tv.  In hindsight I wasn’t the right person to be the bachelor, i wasn’t emotionally ready or psychologically mature enough for the position.

In relation to the now infamous proposal, I guess people want to understand what motivated me?  Other than what I've said already, it was like a part of me was playing a role, and I was playing the romantic bachelor, and thats what a romantic bachelor would do i that situation.  In hindsight I was totally divorced from my own inner emotional workings.  When the show was over, and without all the structures that kept me in that role, I felt lost, and as I started to reconnect with me I couldnt feel what I had felt in role.  I began to have doubts, I began to think "what have I done", I don;t even know this person.  I had made a mess of things, and now had to start undoing the mess.
My family history, of being surrounded by women and adored by them, probably wasn’t helpful in a situation where you have 28 contestants who all want to be with you.  I think that probably fed some unhealthy aspects of my ego and personality.   My work history in Male Stripping didn’t help, and has probably further indulged that adoration by women.  I didn’t think about the negative consequences of doing that sort of work, I just found that work was a way to make money by exploiting my physical attributes.  While that career may have provided some financial and ego benefits, it is probably not healthy for my personal or psychological growth.  I have a tension about the work because its a way of earning some money that puts food on the table and pays some bills, versus it probably isn’t healthy for my psychological growth, and probably works against my goal of having a life long commitment to one person.  I have some serious considerations to make about what I do about that business.

What I have learnt about myself, is that having a smorgasboard of women probably feeds an unhealthy part of me.  While a part of me wants to be married and settle with one woman,  I didn’t realise that I haven’t developed enough of the psychological and emotional foundations that are required to be successful in a commitment with one person.  So with the luxury of hindsight I wasn’t really ready for a life long commitment to one person, I just thought I was.  I’ve also  got a lot of learning to do about the difference between a romantic fantasy about love and what a life-long commitment to one person actually requires.

I owe a massive apology to Sam, I would like to say to her “I am sorry for stealing that moment from you, where you got to have only one engagement, and one life commitment to one person”.  I think and hope that when Sam finds that special one person, that her dreams will come true, and all memories of me will have long faded. 

I also owe a massive apology to the other women  particularly anyone that felt hurt by anything I said or did on that show.

The truth is all the 28 contestants are better off without me in their lives because I am not as ready as I thought I was.

What I hope is that any women that date me in the future, will forgive my mistakes on the show.  That they accept I need to learn and grow, and that someone will come into my life, that will have the patience and wisdom to help me on my journey to emotional and psychological growth, and that we build a life together.